A Date with Jay

A lot seems to have happened in a very short space of time and it feels like ages since I've jotted anything down. This may come out a bit haphazard so thank god for 'copy & paste'

Wednesday evening I had arranged to meet Jay for dinner. At his suggestion, we went to the PizzaPlace in Hampstead, which was very considerate of him, realising I may want to check the place out. You see, I have my interview for the Restaurant Managers position lined up for this Thursday. It's a very sweet little restaurant, in a listed building, a few yards away from the tube station. If anything it may be too small for me after being used to the hustle und busy-ness of Islington. It may bore me.

We had a nice meal, trying out one of the new Autumn pizzas, and drinks afterwards at the local gay pub. We discussed our lives, plans for jobs, plans for Christmas.

Whenever we get together now, there is so much feeling still there that it's hard to remember we're not boyfriends anymore. Just the way we chat, and look at each other. The way he smiles at me even when I'm ranting.

He's had such a hard time since I've known him and I forgive all his screwed up actions that have impacted me over the last six months. Whether or not I should is another matter; I often think I shouldn't but anger really isn't my 'thing' these days. I know what an upheaval he's been through; leaving his long-term boyfriend, crashing at various peoples houses while he sorts out his tenants, and then his +ve diagnosis.

Inevitably, we ended up kissing. Which we shouldn't have. I got tearful, saying that I just can't do this 'limbo' thing that he's gotten us into; we're not boyfriends but we're certainly not just friends, and if that's what he wants us to become then I'm going to need a break for a month or so until I'm over feeling the way I do about him.

He said he would drop me at the station on his way so I could get a train home. I refused, saying that the last thing I wanted after a lovely evening and a romantic kiss was to get dumped at Camden Road, cold and on a platform alone.

So he dropped me at The Black Cap, I could get a cab from there. I was crying as I left the car.

"I'll call you tomorrow!" he called after me.

"I may not answer" I replied as I walked away (never one to missed a dramatic exit).

An e-mail was waiting for me when I got to work the next morning,

"SHIT SHIT SHIT...I don't seem to be able to do anything right. It is so right when we are together and all I want to do is take it slowly, I don't want to lose you, although I fear I have. I don't want to push you away I want to keep you close and spend time with you. Ultimately I want to be with you.

I do not want to see you sad. If not seeing me makes you happier, then that is what I want too. I feel awful for causing you such upset."

He called at lunchtime, and of course I answered.

After the initial, awkward 'how are you?'s were all finished, he asked me "You know why I asked you about your plans for Christmas don't you?"

"Nope"

"Because I'd really like to spend the day with you"

So now I'm confused!