51:32:35 l0:03:22

TGI Paul

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Wrapping It All Up

I'm not talking about a Christmas present, far from it infact. Actually it's an anti-present. J had said he wanted to spend Christmas Day with me, but it's me that's cancelled it.

Further to our e-mail exchange on Monday, (and the ensuing dreadful, miserable, pitiful night out), I sent him a text to let him know what had happened. Now, my friends have sent me lots of very caring, sympathetic messages, and there have been some lovely comments posted on here, but the best J could manage was;

"Hope ur ok (n.b wouldn't 'Are you ok?' be a little more like he gave a shit?). Why did u have £250 on u?"

I replied with a brief explanation, also mentioning that I was now on the way to the dentists, and heard nothing back at all. No more texts, no phone call, nothing. Maybe it's because I was going to the dentists and my phone would be off. He'll call tonight, I figured.

I was wrong. I spent most of the evening checking my phone incase I hadn't heard it; nothing.
I was reminded of a rare bit of wisdom I once gave a friend, "Being on your own isn't half as lonely as waiting for a call from someone you *hope* cares".

On Wednesday lunchtime I sent him another text; "Whats happening J?"

No reply. By about 5pm I could think of nothing else, consumed wih trying to work out what was going on. It was driving me insane. This guy hasn't spoken to me since Saturday morning when he said goodbye, in spite of everything he'd said Friday night about wanting to make it work, and that he'd make more of an effort. Then through something great and something awful he hasn't wanted to speak to me at all.

I set my mobile to withold the number and called him. He answered straight away. Funny that, I thought. I asked why he hadn't responded to my texts, he said he'd been busy. I asked why he hadn't called to see if I was OK, and he admitted that he resented the implication from my text that it was because he didn't come out on Monday that I had such a bad night.

"It was your choice to go out and get drunk Paul. It was nothing to do with me."

"You're absolutely right J, I'm totally responsible for my own actions and I was bloody stupid, but do you really think I was going to go home and sit in feeling depressed and lonely?"

"You were going out with friends in Soho! How did you end up in Camden?"

"No. I invited you to meet me in Soho. I wanted to celebrate with you! If you'd called and said 'well done, I'm really sorry I can't meet you' you would have known that. I ended up in Camden because I didn't want to sit in my flat alone feeling down because of you, so I got off the train there. It wasn't how I wanted my day to end!"

Anyway, there was absolutley no point in getting into an argument, it was already blatantly clear to me that we're incompatible, that I need someone who can be a little more caring and considerate. "You deserve it too", he said quietly, and then "I don't know what to say."

He could've tried apologising, he could've tried persuading me that we could work, but again nothing. I don't know why I could have thought I'd get anything else.

"Just have a think about it and let me know." I hung up.

24hrs later; nothing.


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