51:32:35 l0:03:22

TGI Paul

Monday, November 13, 2006

Another ending....?

I haven't heard from Jay since he left my place on Saturday morning, apart from a reply to a text I sent him on Saturday night. I also haven't had an e-mail or a text today to find out if I'd heard about the job. Succesfully I managed to hold my natural urge to be angry about that; after all, maybe it's good that he wants to take things slowly, and I know he's been busy at work.

Well, since I heard about the job at lunchtime, I've been bursting with excitement but still I resisted calling him. I thought I'd give him a chance to *miss me* rather than me be 'in his face' too much.

But I couldn't hold on any longer so I just sent him a mail asking if he fancied joing me for a celebratory drink this evening in Soho, and swiftly got the reply

"CONGRATULATIONS! Can't tonight I have a meeting at 8am x"

When I replied saying that it won't be a late one as I have to be up tomorrow too, I got this;

"Don't drink too much. Have a good time."

Does he actually give a flying fuck? Does he get excited about seeing me at all or just when it fits his diary... in other words, once a week? I've never put up with a second-rate relationship purely for the sake of not being on my own, and I'm always amazed by people who do, but now I think I'm settling for something that's not actually working for me.So I've typed this reply, but for the time being I've saved it in 'drafts':

"You know, I was determined not to get in touch with you first, to allow you to take things at the speed you wanted and be the one who contacted me, but I was so excited about this news that I've really wanted to share it with you all day. I was also determined not to mind that you hadn’t got in touch today to see if I’d heard anything, but eventually I couldn’t wait any longer.

I’m sorry if I put too much pressure on you. I seem to be too demanding for you. I’ve tried to take things easy for your sake, really I have, but what’s the point of doing great things if you have no-one to share it with?

I’m not sure we’re at all suited Jay, because although I love you dearly you still manage to make me feel empty."

I'll decide whether or not to send it tomorrow when I've calmed down.


  • Deep breaths, deep breaths.

    Then send it to him. Shit, even I couldn't wait to log on today and see if you'd heard anything and I don't even know you!

    By Blogger rodger, at Monday, November 13, 2006  

  • Hang on, didn't you say that you said you wanted a month's break, and wasn't the agreement that you took things slowly? Wouldn't J then assume that he wasn't to get in touch with you first? And what if he really did have an important 8am meeting, that he didn't want to jeopardise by going out "celebrating" the night before? (Come on, like you guys were ever going to get an early night?!) And what if he was worried that you weren't ready to see him yet, and that you'd only get emotional again, and that he needed to keep a strong head for work the next morning? What if he said No to make things easier for both of you?

    I hope you don't mind me asking these questions. I'm trying to help!

    By Blogger mike, at Thursday, November 16, 2006  

  • i've just had a read back throught your post to 'the kiss' one.
    i think i agree with Mike a bit, although my initial reaction was 'what?! sod that and send the email'
    perhaps he's scared of upsetting you again.
    and perhaps you could just make it a bit clearer that although you want slow, you don't want vertually non existant

    By Blogger Buttons, at Thursday, November 16, 2006  

  • I've just read back and can exactly where you're both coming from, but I have noticed that i've left a chunk out of the story.

    After that night, and after the Christmas conversation, he said he wanted to see me, to be with me and make it work. It's been him wanting to take things slowly. I only said I wanted a months break because I thought he wanted to be 'just friends', and for that I would need time to adjust.

    We went out for dinner last Friday, which I haven't posted about as I didn't get time over the weekend, and he admitted how strong his feelings are for me.

    He's scared. I explained though that I needed more than a once-a-week dinner date.

    If you look at the top of the post you'll see that he stayed the night. I text him the next day saying how lovely it was to have him here again. he sent a brief reply. Thats why I didn't contact him until I heard about the job on monday; I didn't want to rush him or scare him.

    If you look at the dates, the night I got upset after dinner was Wed 1st Nov, the next day he sent me the e-mail saying he wants me.

    At the start of this post I say that he stayed last Friday, thats the 10th.

    So thats twice in 10 days he's made time to see me. A drink after work to celebrate a landmark acheivement for me is not a lot to ask for, especially when it may be another 10 days until he can spare me an evening

    So, as for seeing him again, we already had, and he'd already stayed over. I'd already been in touch once. It's been me trying to go slow for him because he's scared.

    Sorry I didn't make all that clearer and I hope you can see my point of view better now

    By Blogger Paul, at Thursday, November 16, 2006  

  • OK, I can see it more clearly now - thanks for the explanation, and I get where you're coming from with the draft e-mail. Did you send it?

    By Blogger mike, at Thursday, November 16, 2006  

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