51:32:35 l0:03:22

TGI Paul

Monday, January 29, 2007

AWOL

I thought I'd better post a paragraph or two as I haven't been around much lately and I don't want to lose what few regular readers I've managed to build up in my first year here (love ya!!)

I've been distinctly short of inspiration lately. Well, to be honest, it just hasn't been a very inspiring year so far. I found out more news about Jay; that he'd infact been living back at his ex's for the last 4 months we were seeing each other. This explains an awful lot, and though I do believe that it is a completely non-sexual arrangement, the lack of honesty, respect and anything else that's decent, has been really hard to deal with.

I have text him a few times, which I know I shouldn't but I just have so many questions that need answering and I was seeking some closure. OK, maybe I bordered on obsessing about it for a few days. But I got no replies. The guy doesn't even have enough respect to say sorry.

Quelle f**king surprise!!

It leaves you feeling really empty when you get treated like this. You start thinking you really must be a c**t for someone to believe it's ok to mess you around so much. It's soul destroying.

Someone once told me that people will only treat you in the way you allow yourself to be treated. This has been going round in my head loads lately. Am I a doormat? Am I that desperate to be loved that I allow myself to be blinded? Was I obviously that weak that he spotted an easy target?

The other thing I've heard lately (I think it was on a rerun of 'Sex & the City'... which is often as useful as any counselling session!) is that we tend to believe only the bad things that people say about us. I think this is so true.

Example: I went out for dinner a couple of weeks ago with Alfie. He said some beautiful things about me... that I was handsome, fun, intelligent and had loads to give the right person when they (eventually) came along. But did I take that on board? Of course not! I continued to dwell on the non-verbal message I'd got from Jay.

Then last week I went for dinner at G&V's. I had a lovely evening, although I was worrying for a lot of it that I wasn't being 'fun enough' or 'interesting enough'. But looking at them together was so lovely, and inspiring, that it actually helped me get over Jay. They are such a lovely couple, and you can't imagine either of them with anyone else. They will soon move into their new place together and are so looking forward to their future. (But not in one of those really horrible 'we,we,we' ways that makes you feel sick... do you know what I mean?)

I left and walked up to the bus stop and thought to myself that I want to be THAT happy, and I reaffirmed within myself that I don't actually need anyone else to be a part of my life to MAKE me that happy!

So, I've been throwing myself into work, which is going great. I'm sorting out a few personal issues, getting back on track with cardiac appointments, keeping up the dental work and hygienist visits, and will re-emerge, like a phoenix from the flames!


Then Jay can kiss my butt!

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