51:32:35 l0:03:22

TGI Paul

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

On my way back!

I know, I'm crap! I haven't been posting much at all lately and when I have they've been flippant things and not really about anything at all to do with whats really happening in my life, which, hopefully, may be what some readers actually come here for!

I've got to be honest, I have been really down for a while. Having my teeth taken out, then all the shit with Jay (and there's actually more, but I just don't want to dwell on that ), I really did get my confidence knocked for a while.

Add to that problems at work, with staff mainly, that have left me feeling unable to cope and doubting my own ability, and the last thing I've felt like doing is writing it all down here. That probably would have been the really sensible thing do though, to use this blog as a personal 'off load' tool. Instead, I have just been wayward.

I have been drinking too much, sleeping around too much (last week I woke up in 5 different beds... none of them mine!), and basically doing all the stuff that I originally went to counselling last year to try and stop.

So, the counselling didn't work, because otherwise I would have found a different way to deal with the feelings of rejection, and lack of self worth, that I felt after him.

But I also think that maybe thats just 'what I do'. Perhaps it's my own way of grieving, but does that make it right? Of course not, not if it's not what I want to do.

The other thing I've noticed is that this is exactly the same time of year that I went through exactly the same shit after The Hairdresser. Is there a touch of 'seasonal affectiveness disorder' here, or am I just scrabbling for excuses via hypochondria?

I do know that I desperately miss the sun, and hate not being able to afford a quick trip away somewhere to find some, and I also know that the big turn-around day for me was Tuesday; the first bright, spring like day that we've had this year. My mood lifted & my work was excellent; I was proactive, efficient, affable and confident.

I have achieved alot this year already, and had some great nights out (as well as the random ones, but I'm trying to focus on the positive here!). I regret not keeping this blog up to date, because I feel I have so much to tell you all (I will have to backlog some stories soon).

But I do also feel that I'm starting to get back to me.

4 Comments:

  • Sweetheart, you sound so down, text or email me your address so i can send that belated val gift.
    Big kiss

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Friday, March 02, 2007  

  • It seems we're all a bit down or just too busy to get a lot of blogging done. Spring is near and you'll be back to your old self again.

    Of course blogging about the shit in life certainly does help. Take your time Paul...we're here when you need to vent.

    By Blogger rodger, at Friday, March 02, 2007  

  • I love you Rodger!

    By Blogger Paul, at Friday, March 02, 2007  

  • You're such a sweetie!

    By Blogger rodger, at Wednesday, March 07, 2007  

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